If you love this topic, I GREATLY encourage a thorough reading of Give Them Grace by Elyse Fitzpatrick and Jessica Thompson. This book + many others of my favorites can be found on a FREE book list offered at the bottom of this post.

I'll openly admit that on the spectrum of parenting, my style tends toward the more authoritarian side, but with a nice dash of "wishy-washy" at times. I'll also admit to much confusion over the years in approaches, philosophies, and methods in parenting extremely different personalities while trying to "keep it simple" to avoid overwhelm.

Through my parenting journey, I've learned a couple of profound lessons that continue to mold my approach. The greatest lesson I've learned is that there is no guide to parenting worthy of standing upon outside of scripture.

How do we enforce the rules while also extending grace to our children? If you struggle with choosing discipline methods or knowing when to discipline or not, this will be an encouragement to you.

My own greatest struggle has been the balance between authoritarian "obey the first time, immediately, or else" type parenting vs parenting from a place of misunderstood and misapplied grace that left my strong-willed (or rather weak-willed) children without clear boundaries or consistent consequences. I’ve slowly come to the realization that there is a proper Biblical balance between the law and grace.

Let me explain: As Paul tells us again and again throughout his letters (Romans 3:20; Romans 3:9-11; Romans 7:10; Galatians 3:10-11), the law has never saved anyone. As a matter of fact, NO ONE can be saved by the law.

So if the law doesn't SAVE anyone, what is even the point of it?

The law's greatest service is its "echo chamber" effect on our sin.

"I would not have known what it is to covet if the law had not said, 'You shall not covet.' But sin, seizing an opportunity through the commandment, produced in me all kinds of covetousness." (Romans 7:7-8)

Without LAW, we would not recognize sin in the first place. The law is a conduit of our sin toward grace. Both play a role. Both are needful. One doesn't work without the other- but they must always be wielded in balance.

God, in His infinite Wisdom, knew we have a 4-step process to walk through in order to recognize our need for a Savior.

Law ---> Sin ---> Repentance ---> Grace

As a naturally authoritarian parent, I am good at setting laws, good at calling attention to failures to uphold them, and very quick to punish and admonish (as in: I "inflict" conviction). In effect, I'm playing "Holy Spirit, Jr" by circumventing the opportunity for my children to reach CONVICTION and repentance through the work of the Spirit. I often interrupt this process, take over, speak too harshly, or try to "nip it in the bud" so that I can be done with dealing with this "same sin issue over and over again..." (Rolling my eyes at myself HARD here.)

Our Father is a better parent than I can ever be. He has given us the law to serve as a PA system for our sin- so that we can be fully confronted with our lack of perfection.

However, salvation isn't achieved through only SEEING our sin or even feeling guilty about it. Salvation is achieved when the Holy Spirit reveals our INABILITY to keep the law on our own, no matter how hard we try... and offers us the saving grace of Jesus Christ.

When I focus too fully on the law, lay down harsh punishments, and RUSH to solve a problem so that I can get on with my day, I've crowded out the space for the Spirit to do his work toward conviction. Beyond that, because I'm working to get this issue taken care of NOW, I'm not having the CONVERSATION after that space, in which I remind my children that we ALL fail to uphold the law. The conversation that reminds them of the story- again and again- of how we ALL fail to uphold the law and we all need a Savior who has received our punishment for us.

We all break rules.
Sometimes our children are rule tip-toers and accidentally trip over them from time to time.
Sometimes our children are rule crushers who see them, jump all over them, and go about their merry way.
Sometimes our children are rule-oblivious and run past them without a second thought.
Sometimes our children are rule-adherers that can still get tricked or lured into sin at times.

BUT, all of our children- just like their parents- are going to fail. No matter how well we post the law, sing the law, punish via the law, model the law- they WILL break it.

AND THIS IS SO GOOD.

My greatest frustration as a parent has been the mistaken belief that my rules weren't made to be broken- that my rule is an insurmountable wall that ought never be breached or even leaned upon. "My rules are right and how dare you disrespect me by ignoring them?"

But that's soooo wrong. How can our children ever SEE THEIR SIN (or get to the point of needing a Savior) if they don't ever fail? Our "laws" are an opportunity for them to be confronted by their own inability to keep them, experience Godly conviction, repent, and above all- recognize their NEED for a Savior. I assumed that being angry was the "just" reaction when my rules were broken. However, having the opportunity to see my children fail to be perfect and then to share the story of the one who IS PERFECT is an absolute gift! THAT, sweet friend, is the goal!

Once the rules are broken or a law is violated, that's when the magic happens, but this is also where "BE STILL" comes into play: I am not the Holy Spirit. Over-reactions, rash punishments, or my human anger (no matter how seemingly justified it is) will never bring anyone to righteousness. (James 1:20) Once there has been a failure in upholding the law, that is not the time for ACTION, but rather an opportunity to create a space for reflection for our children.

In our experience, the most fruitful time of reflection we've found for our children is that they are put to work immediately following a broken rule or conflict. (You can read more about discipline through work HERE.) The greatest transformations that we have ever seen in sinful attitudes or behaviors in our children has been when we have approached rule-breaking or unkind attitudes in this way.

But most importantly- this working time (or whatever other reflective space you choose) is a time that God will do amazing things in your child's heart. The truth is, by the time our children are just a few years old, they've already grasped a decent understanding of right vs wrong. We are no longer teaching them WHAT the rules are. We are teaching them that it's important to follow the rules, that rules are for our protection, but MOSTLY we are reminding them of their imperfect ability to abide by them. We are allowing them time to see their sin FOR THEMSELVES and time for the Holy Spirit to lead them to Godly repentance.

This is not a quick, one-time, convenient process. It doesn’t follow anyone’s timeline.

And this process is where the beauty is- not in perfectly behaved children who make us look like awesome parents or perfectly obedient children that don't interrupt our busy agendas with their repetitive sin. The beauty is in the opportunity to share the REAL Gospel again and again, to hearts that have been ushered toward repentance by the power of the Holy Spirit.

And that takes time. It takes space. It takes patience, forbearance, and self-control. It takes being inconvenienced and being faced with some of the same sin issues over and over and over again... When we (as parents) don't allow time and space for the Holy Spirit to do his work (before jumping into a conflict or doling out rash punishment), we remove the BEAUTY of the gift of grace.

Without the law, grace is meaningless. Without grace, the law leads to death. Without a space between them, there is no opportunity for the story of grace to lead hearts to true repentance and ultimately salvation.

Let’s hold that space for our babies, Mama- so we can usher in the grace of God to our children- again and again and again.

Would you like to see a full list of my FAVORITE books for the Jesus-loving, Homeschooling Mama? Head here to see more.

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