As parents of 4 children, spanning 15 years, we've essentially tried every single form of discipline there is. Spanking, time-outs, removing electronic privileges, missed play dates, loss of toys- you name it, and we've tried it. I've also gone a positive discipline route and hugged through meltdowns (which is usually the right thing to do with children under 6) and tried to "overlook offenses" under my own misperception of “grace.”

As I talk about in this post, I floundered over the years in finding a method of consistent discipline that works with multiple personality types, is rooted in the Truth of God, and really preached the Gospel to my children.

Through all of those trials and experiments, I've returned again and again to Genesis 3- God's reaction to the original sin of the Bible:

To Adam he said, “Because you listened to your wife and ate fruit from the tree about which I commanded you, ‘You must not eat from it,’
“Cursed is the ground because of you; through painful toil you will eat food from it all the days of your life.
It will produce thorns and thistles for you, and you will eat the plants of the field. By the sweat of your brow you will eat your food until you return to the ground, since from it you were taken; for dust you are and to dust you will return.” (Genesis 3: 17-19)

It can be hard to figure out the best kinds of discipline for our children. We know it has to be done, and consistently- but how do we know what works for each offense?

Following the fall of man, the first punishment God gives is that he must work- tirelessly. In our home, we've found that working following a grievance, broken rule, or conflict between siblings allows our children several benefits which I'll detail below.

1- Work allows them to quietly reflect upon the choices they made leading up to their sin.

We find solitary work is best, especially for children 7+, so that they can be reflective without drawing a sibling (or parent) into a conflict with their anger. Essentially, this is a "cooling" off period which allows them to work out some of their frustration.

2- In this "still" space (read this post for more info on creating a space for reflection), we (as parents) are also able to settle our own anger or frustration over the offense and pray through the situation, praying specifically for the Holy Spirit to convict our child of his/her sin, as they perform their work.

3- While work is not only for punishment, as we were created FOR work and work is a great joy, work can also be a very soothing time to commune with the Lord. It can help us work through problems, get out physical aggression, and clear our minds. Work has MANY good benefits.

4- Work is also a productive punishment that helps us to CREATE something through what was a sinful action and is another form of redemption that God allows us to participate in. Work takes what was a "tearing down" behavior and converts it into a "building up" behavior.

5- Most importantly- this working time is a time that God will do amazing things in your child's heart. This time that allows tempers to cool, emotions to calm, and aggressions to be relieved, creates a space for the Holy Spirit to do his work. Because conflicts haven't continued (or been flamed), everyone involved can approach the topic with a cool head, having worked to redeem something good from this hard time, and hearts are more open to repentance. Above all, grace can now be extended and the story for how the ultimate grace was extended can be shared (again and again).

The greatest transformations that we have ever seen in sinful attitudes or behaviors in our children has been when we have approached rule-breaking or unkind attitudes in this way. Here are a few suggestions for work below. I'll encourage your own discernment in choosing what is an age-appropriate activity for your children:

raking leaves
picking up pinecones
mowing the lawn
picking up dog droppings
picking up limbs, pecans, or really anything outside
shoveling snow (if we had any)
sweeping
mopping
vacuuming
dusting
cleaning bedrooms
picking up toys
cleaning toilets
wiping counters
doing dishes
walking laps
swimming laps
riding a bicycle
weeding a garden or flower bed
sweeping walkways or porches
cleaning up after any pets
washing pets

We choose activities that our children are capable of doing without oversight (unless they're too young to do anything without oversight). We opt for outdoor work that is rigorous but doesn't require mental concentration when possible- think activities that work the body while allowing the mind time to think. We want them to work THROUGH their anger over being in "trouble" so that they can work toward recognition of sin and repentance.

We always require that they work faithfully- doing a poor job or stopping over and over again to complain only receives additional work. It's important NOT to engage in a debate during this time if you have a child who is willfully disobeying the instruction to work and looking to pick an argument- which often happens most often in the tween years.

While work is not the solution to every problem, we have found time and again that it brings about a spirit of change, creates space for peace to dwell, and helps to avoid escalating conflicts. Above all, it creates room for the Spirit to do his work in both us and our children- and that is the most powerful work of all.

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